Back where I belong (you are my home)

« I have experienced joy, love, heartbreaks and hardships. I have fallen in and out of love with myself. I have been busy traveling the world, seeing what else is out there. I have been busy escaping with sex. Lots of sex. I have been busy tasting new flavors, smelling new scents and dancing to new tunes. »

 

Oh hi,

I am sorry I have not posted in a while. Well, am I really? To be quite honest, although I wish I had written sooner and more often I am not sorry I have not. Let me tell you why : I have been busy for the past 12 months, extremely busy (or extremely lazy, you choose). I have been busy living life although it sometimes felt as though life itself was outliving me, sucking the life right out of me. I have experienced joy, love, heartbreaks and hardships. I have fallen in and out of love with myself. I have been busy traveling the world, seeing what else is out there. I have been busy escaping with sex. Lots of sex. I have been busy tasting new flavors, smelling new scents and dancing to new tunes. In the midst of it all I have grown a little bit more and learned lessons of a lifetime. And because sharing is caring here’s what I have learned :

I have learned a little more about forgiveness. Who am I kidding? I have learned BIG TIME about forgiveness : it is liberating. Although he was physically present when I was growing up, my father has never been a dad to me. Yep, the man got me fucked up! Yet I have never really resented him. As a matter of fact, I have never felt anything towards him and I still don’t to this day (Or maybe I do. Or maybe I am just confused). However, what I would say is that by opening up my heart a little bit more to him and getting to know him better, I have got to a place of understanding. I get where he is coming from. I understand that he did everything he could with what he had. What he had may not have been enough for me, but that was absolutely and utterly all he had in him. Which leads me to my second point.

I have learned that no matter our gender, our skin color, our socio-economic background, our sexual preferences, we are all doing the very best we can under our circumstances. Nobody wants to be a failure, nobody wants to disappoint. And, our lack of compassion for each other comes from the fact that we refuse to assume that maybe, I say maybe, the other person does not have the same resources we do in order to act in such or such way. In my father’s case, not only was his father also absent (typical) but he did not have anyone around him to set a different example.

I have learned that most of the time people who are unkind are those who need kindness and love the most. I have also learned that whenever I am surrounded with such people it is my duty to not judge them but to treat them with respect and dignity. However, it is not my job to save them especially if they are not inviting me to do so. There’s only one Jesus and guess what? The man is pretty good at what he does.

I have learned that you cannot sacrifice others for your own happiness and if you do, that debt will be paid eventually.

I have learned the true meaning of the phrase « be careful what you wish for» because you will most definitely get it and sometimes when you least expect it. If you are in the right space both emotionally and spiritually (your connection to Life and your surroundings), if you have what it takes for Life, God, the universe (whatever the nomenclature, you choose) to see that you are ready to receive what you have been asking for, you will receive it. I have seen the manifestation of that phenomenon in my own life over and over again. The simple fact that I am sitting here in this chair from this hostel in Toronto with bad wifi and a plugged toilet is a manifestation of what I have been yearning for for more than a decade.

I have learned that life will sometimes tell you no. Don’t take it personal. Don’t get frustrated. Hell, do get frustrated. Scream, cry, break things but for 5 minutes, no more. Then pick up the pieces of what is left of your hopes and broken heart, put them back together again and move on. Do not dwell into what could have, should have or would have. Find comfort in knowing that what is for you is for you only. It will come eventually. Be patient. And If does not, you will still do well because you have other important things in your life.

I have learned that life will sometimes take things away from you but only to make room for other things. In my last post, I talked about me losing my best friend. Since then, I have gained 3 amazing sisters. They are the friends everybody deserves to have. They help me be me without ever ever ever judging me. They get excited for me even when I am not. I see myself in their eyes and from what I see, I look pretty damn good.

I have learned that there’s is nothing like family. Whenever someone is rushed into a hospital, one of the first things the doctors ask them is : «Is there any family member we can contact?». In my case, my family shows up in gang. I am so grateful for them and would not trade them for the world.

I have learned to truly embrace who I am as a black man with every fiber of my being. It is not just about my hair which I LOVE by the way. It goes much deeper than that. You see, just like life itself my black is messy and complicated. My black is very respectful and humble although some are quick to mistake that for a lack of self-esteem or a sign of submission. My black is also smart, beautiful and kindhearted, so so kindhearted. My black is shiny, loud and proud and I am no longer shying away from it simply because it makes other people feel more comfortable about themselves. I too come from a community, a tribe, a family. I am their hopes and dreams. They are in me and I am in them. And whether I like it or not I have an obligation to them. I cannot just check out. It would not be fair to them.

Lastly, I have learned that there’s nothing like a mother’s love for her child. I am so fortunate to have experienced that in this lifetime, even for one second. How many people are able to walk in this world knowing that somewhere, someone loves them so much she could go to war for them? That my friend, if you were to ask me, is the privilege of a lifetime : to be able to love and to be loved, unconditionally.

Yours truly,

Leonel

 

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